Category: Anger management

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Unlocking Anger Management for Men: Effective Strategies for a Healthier Life

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On April 21, 2025

In Anger management

By Kieran Anger Management April 2025

Anger is a powerful emotion—one that if left unchecked can cast shadows over your relationships, career, and overall quality of life. At His Own Man Counselling, I believe that understanding your anger is the first step towards transforming it into a powerful catalyst for change. Anger management for men is something I find many men struggle with. In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore why anger manifests the way it does, identify common triggers, and introduce practical strategies uniquely tailored for men. Our goal isn’t to suppress anger but to harness it, using healthy, effective methods that lead to a richer, more balanced life.

Understanding Anger: Beyond Fury to a Valuable Messenger

Anger has long been portrayed as a negative, destructive force, yet it is, in fact, a natural response deeply embedded in our survival instinct. Think of anger as an internal alert system, signalling that something isn’t right. When you feel that surge, it could be your body’s way of urging you to pay attention to unresolved issues or unmet needs. Anger management for men has never been so important.

Men, in particular, often face societal pressures to remain stoic. Many are taught from an early age that emotional expressions, especially those perceived as “strong” like anger, should be masked. This suppression can lead to explosive outbursts later in life or even mask other forms of emotional distress. True empowerment comes from acknowledging these emotions as valid—and then understanding how to address them constructively rather than letting them dictate your behaviour.

angry-man-arguing-with-partner

Over time, anger, when understood and managed properly, can become a tool for introspection and growth rather than destruction. Each outburst is a signpost pointing towards areas in your life that may need re-evaluation or change.

Digging Deeper: The Roots and Triggers of Anger (and why anger management for men is so important)

Every man’s emotional landscape is unique, but certain experiences and situations serve as universal triggers. Understanding these can help you pinpoint the moments when your anger is about to take hold, offering a chance to intervene before the situation escalates. Common triggers include:

  • Workplace Stress: High-pressure deadlines, a lack of recognition, or conflict with colleagues can all contribute to building irritability. When stress at work spills into your personal life, it can compound your feelings of frustration.
  • Relationship Tensions: Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, the expectations and misunderstandings that occur in close relationships can unearth a deep-seated sense of betrayal or hurt. Often, this resentment is not only about the present moment but also past experiences.
  • Unresolved Past Wounds: Many men carry emotional scars from earlier experiences—be it childhood trauma, failed relationships, or past professional disappointments. These unresolved issues can resurface unexpectedly, reactivating old patterns of anger.
  • Societal Pressures: The unspoken mandate to be strong, silent, and unyielding can lead to a build-up of anger. Feeling the need to live up to a rigid definition of masculinity often means bottling up emotions until they ignite unexpectedly.
  • Financial or Personal Setbacks: Struggles such as financial instability or personal loss can shatter the sense of security that men often rely on, leading to sudden and intense anger.

By taking time to identify your own “red flags,” you can begin to develop a personalised blueprint for managing these emotions. Recognising your triggers is like mapping out the terrain before embarking on a journey; it prepares you for the bumps along the way and allows you to navigate them more skilfully.

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Effective Strategies for Mastering Your Anger (anger management for men)

Once you’ve begun to understand both the origins and triggers of your anger, the next step is to adopt practical techniques to manage it effectively. Below are several strategies, each designed to empower you to take control of your emotional responses and steer your life onto a healthier path.

1. Recognise, Record, and Reflect

Journaling Your Emotions:
Documenting your feelings can unleash a newfound clarity. When you journal your experiences, you not only record symptoms of anger but also begin to see patterns over time. Over days or weeks, your entries can serve as clues, helping to pinpoint recurring triggers—be it a conversation, a certain time of day, or even particular people.

Reflection:
Give yourself permission to ask, “What really sets me off?” Each time anger flares up, take a moment afterward to dissect the situation. What were you feeling beneath the anger? Was it hurt, disappointment, or perhaps a sense of injustice? This reflective practice is the foundation of transforming your anger into a tool for self-improvement.

2. The Art of Pausing: Breathe, Count, and Think

Developing a habit of pausing before reacting can dismantle the automatic chain reaction of anger. When you feel anger building, consciously slow down your breath. Simple techniques such as inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly can significantly reduce your physiological response. Physically counting down from ten or observing your immediate surroundings creates a buffer—a small window where you can choose your response instead of reacting impulsively.

Mindful Breathing Techniques:
Practicing mindful breathing daily can pay dividends over time. Commit to a routine such as the “4-7-8 method” (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8). Over sessions, you may find that this practice not only lowers your immediate stress but also builds a reservoir of tranquillity you can tap into when needed.

There are also a number of free resources that may help too, which you can find here.

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts”

 winston churchill

3. Channeling Physical Energy: Movement as a Release Valve

Exercise isn’t merely a tool for physical fitness; it’s a powerful method to channel pent-up anger. Whether you opt for a brisk walk, a session in the gym, or an immersive sport, physical activity lowers cortisol levels and boosts endorphins—your body’s natural mood lifters. Regular exercise can also serve as a distraction, helping to shift your focus away from negative thoughts. Exercise is both a cost effective and reliable way to work on anger management for men.

a-man-running

Choosing the Right Activity:
Consider activities that you genuinely enjoy. Running might offer a sense of freedom and the rush of endorphins, while strength training might build both physical and mental resilience. Experiment with different forms of exercise until you find one that resonates with your inner rhythm.

4. Cultivating Awareness: Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness is the practice of staying present in the moment without judgment. In the hustle of daily life, anger often stems from worries about the future or regrets from the past. Meditation teaches you to quiet that mental chatter and allows you to observe your emotions as they arise, without fully engaging with them.

Establishing a Routine:
Start small. Set aside five to ten minutes each day to sit quietly, focusing solely on the rhythm of your breath. As with any practice, consistency matters. Over weeks and months, you may notice a subtle shift in your reactivity to stressful events—a newfound calm that becomes your inner refuge.

5. Reimagining Communication: Expressing Rather Than Exploding

Effective communication is a cornerstone of managing anger and if we’re to successfully implement anger management for men, communication must have a place. Instead of bottling up your emotions until they explode, learn to express them with clarity and respect. This might mean stating your feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel disrespected when…”) or taking a pause until you can communicate calmly. Sessions with a counsellor like me, offer a safe space to rehearse these skills.

Role-Playing Scenarios:
Sometimes the anticipation of conflict can intensify anger. In therapy, role-playing different scenarios can provide rehearsal space for handling difficult conversations. This proactive approach can build your confidence in dealing with triggers in real-life situations.

6. Building a Support Network

Isolation can often exacerbate feelings of anger. Establish a support network composed of trusted friends, family members, or fellow men who understand the struggles and triumphs of managing anger. Whether through group therapy sessions, peer support groups, or informal gatherings, connecting with others can provide both accountability and comfort.

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The Power of Shared Stories:
Hearing others share their experiences can be liberating. Sometimes, realising that you are not alone in your struggles serves as a potent reminder that vulnerability and strength coexist. You might find that the simple act of sharing not only lightens your emotional load but also fosters deeper connections with others.

Integrating Calmer Habits into a Balanced Lifestyle

Effective anger management isn’t a one-time fix—it’s a lifestyle. Lasting change comes from integrating small, positive habits into your everyday routine. It’s about creating a holistic framework that nurtures both your mental and physical well-being. Below are some ways which can help with anger management for men.

Sleep, Nutrition, and Routine

Quality Sleep:
Rest is more important than you might think. Sleep deprivation can make irritability worse and lower your patience threshold. Establish a regular sleep schedule. This might include winding down an hour before bed with calming activities like reading or gentle stretching.

Balanced Nutrition:
What you eat directly influences how you feel. A diet rich in whole foods, lean proteins, and vegetables can help maintain steady energy levels and reduce mood fluctuations. Consider incorporating foods known for their mood-stabilising properties—like omega-3 fatty acids, found in fish and flaxseeds—into your diet.

Creating a Daily Routine:
Small rituals, such as a morning meditation or an evening walk, can provide structure that buffers you against stress. Routines help your body and mind predict what comes next, reducing the chance for unexpected triggers to unsettle you.

Structured Downtime and Creative Outlets

Allocating time for leisure activities is essential. Engage in hobbies that stimulate your intellect and soothe your emotions, whether that’s painting, writing, gardening, or playing a musical instrument. These creative outlets offer a way to express yourself without words, unlocking emotions and providing a welcome distraction from stress.

Digital Detox:
In today’s 24/7 connected world, constant notifications and digital overload can contribute to stress. Schedule periods during your day to disconnect from digital devices. Use this time to focus on personal growth, connect with others in person, or simply enjoy silence.

The Transformative Role of Professional Counselling

At times, self-guided strategies and personal reflection aren’t enough to untangle the complexities of anger. This is where professional counselling comes in—offering a safe, judgment-free environment where deeper emotional work can take place. Professional support not only helps in recognising unhelpful patterns but also provides tailored strategies based on your unique circumstances. If you’d like support from an experienced therapist, who has worked with hundreds of men to control their anger, you can contact me here.

A Space for Honest Reflection:
Counselling can help dismantle the myth that anger is an unchangeable trait. In sessions, you’re encouraged to explore your past, understand your present triggers, and constructively plan for the future. The process is collaborative; the therapist becomes a guide, walking alongside you as you progress on your journey. I’m here to help.

Breaking Down Barriers:
In many cases, cultural expectations make it difficult for men to seek help. Breaking down these barriers is not a sign of weakness—it’s an act of profound courage and self-care. By choosing to engage in counselling, you’re taking a stand against the stigma surrounding mental health and affirming your right to a balanced, fulfilling life.

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Tech-Enhanced Support:
In addition to face-to-face sessions, many counselling practices now offer digital therapy options, giving you the flexibility to work on your anger management at your own pace. Whether through video calls or dedicated mental health apps, technology ensures that support is always within reach. I offer both face to face and online sessions via Zoom or Whatsapp. Both can be an effective solution for your anger difficulties.

Crafting a Personal Action Plan

Unlocking anger management is an ongoing process—a commitment to personal evolution. Here’s how you can create a step-by-step action plan to integrate these strategies into your everyday life:

  1. Self-Assessment:
    Begin with a candid assessment of your anger. Identify the situations and triggers that set you off and consider how you typically react. This honest review is the foundation of your action plan.
  2. Set Realistic Goals:
    Instead of aiming for drastic changes overnight, set small, achievable goals. Perhaps start by incorporating a daily breathing exercise or scheduling a consultation session with a counsellor like me. Celebrate each milestone, no matter how seemingly small.
  3. Develop a Routine:
    Build a daily routine that includes elements of physical exercise, mindfulness practices, and downtime. Consistency is key. Routines can gradually reshape your emotional responses and make coping mechanisms feel more natural.
  4. Seek Feedback:
    Talk with trusted friends or a mentor about your progress. Constructive feedback can offer new perspectives and reinforce your commitment to change.
  5. Revisit and Revise:
    As your journey unfolds, periodically revisit your action plan. Are the strategies working? Do new triggers emerge? An adaptable plan keeps you engaged and responsive to your evolving needs.

A Final Thought on Empowerment Through Transformation

Transforming your relationship with anger is not a destination—it’s a journey. Each step you take, whether it’s learning to breathe deeply in moments of stress or sharing your vulnerabilities with someone you trust, is part of an ongoing transformation towards a healthier, more balanced life. Every challenge you overcome adds another layer to your emotional resilience.

Harnessing anger is about reclaiming control. It’s about redefining what strength means, not as the absence of emotion but as the thoughtful navigation of all that you feel. Here at His Own Man Counselling, my aim is to help you see that empowerment lies in acknowledging and addressing your emotions rather than wallowing in them.

Some people want it to happen, some wish it could happen, others make it happen – Michael Jordan

If you’re ready to take the next step in this transformative journey—whether through counselling sessions, joining a supportive group, or simply trying out some of the techniques mentioned above—know that every effort counts. The path to managing anger is not always linear, but with determination, self-reflection, and the right support, a healthier, more empowered version of yourself is within reach.

Beyond the Basics: Exploring Complementary Avenues

While the strategies above provide a strong foundation for managing anger, consider broadening your approach by exploring complementary avenues that are effective anger management for men solutions:

  • Workshops and Group Therapy: Engaging in group sessions can transform solo struggles into shared experiences. Hearing how others cope provides both insight and validation.
  • Literary Exploration: There are many insightful books on anger management and masculinity. Reading widely can reinforce your strategies and introduce new techniques from different perspectives.
  • Mind-Body Practices: Yoga and Tai Chi, for instance, merge physical activity with mindfulness, often proving to be effective in mitigating anger through balanced energy flow.
  • Art Therapy: Sometimes, words aren’t enough. Creative practices—such as drawing, sculpting, or music—can pave new pathways for expressing emotions that might otherwise remain unspoken.

Exploring these additional methods can not only diversify your coping toolkit but also offer a multifaceted approach that is more deeply woven into your daily life. This comprehensive, ever-adapting strategy is what paves the way for enduring change. All of the methods about work hand in hand with therapy for anger management.

Conclusion

Anger is a natural and often misunderstood emotion. By reframing it as a signal rather than a sentence, and by employing practical strategies—from mindful breathing and physical exercise to professional counselling—you can learn to manage and even harness your anger in constructive ways. Embrace the fact that each thoughtful step you take is part of a larger journey towards improved mental health and overall well-being.

At His Own Man Counselling, I am dedicated to providing effective anger management for men on this transformative path. Whether you’re just beginning to explore your feelings or you’ve tried various methods before, remember: the journey to a healthier life starts with a single step. Keep moving forward, even when it feels challenging, and trust that with determination and the right support, you will unlock a version of yourself that is stronger, calmer, and more resilient.

By expanding your emotional toolbox and integrating these strategies into daily life, you’re not just managing anger; you’re opening the door to personal growth, healthier relationships, and a deeper connection with who you truly are.

If you found these insights helpful and would like to explore more about techniques tailored for men’s emotional well-being, consider diving into our upcoming posts on stress reduction and redefining masculinity in a modern world. Together, we’ll continue to transform challenges into empowering opportunities for lasting change.

Taking the step to manage your anger effectively is an investment in your future. Every moment spent understanding your triggers, every breath taken in mindfulness, and every honest conversation held in therapy contributes to building a reservoir of strength. The journey is long and layered, but the transformation is profound—and it all begins with you.

Feel free to reach out for a session or simply to share your progress. Let’s work together towards a future where anger is no longer a destructive force, but a stepping stone to a healthier, more resilient life.

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Why Am I An Angry Dad? 5 Anger Triggers And How To Manage Them

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On September 11, 2023

In Anger management, Confidence, Self care, Uncategorized

Why am I an angry dad?

It is not uncommon for dads to be angry. In fact, it’s a normal emotion that can happen in any family. But what are the types of anger that fathers experience? And how can they deal with them?

In this article, we will explore 5 triggers of anger that dads might feel and how to manage them.

Trigger 1 – Stress

Similar strategies are used to control stress and anger. One explanation for this is that both stress and anger have a psychological component, making it possible to control them mentally. Understanding the relationship between these two emotions is crucial because they both have the potential to negatively impact us, especially if they are left unmanaged.

There are a number of different things that can affect anger and stress; Long-term stress and anger exposure can harm our physical health. Getting stressed about deadlines, worrying about money or shouting at the kids are but a few examples. It may increase our blood pressure, which can lead to other problems that have an impact on both our physical and emotional well-being. Our interpersonal relationships may suffer as a result. Beyond that, excessive levels of stress and anger can lead to the development of bad behaviours that get harder to manage over time. Anxiety may increase as a result of either of these effects. Being an angry Dad isn’t good for our health or our relationships!

We need to consider how these emotions affect our lives in order to start managing the negative impacts of stress and anger. Anger can result from stress, which might result in further stress. Although neither emotion is a good thing, we shouldn’t try to force them away. Instead, we should work to regulate them by working on our understanding of the elements that influence anger and stress and developing coping mechanisms and build healthy anger management strategies.

Tip to manage stress – Breathe deep and relax

Your body and mind may feel as though they’re operating on overdrive when you are feeling stressed. Slowing your breathing and concentrating on relaxing your muscles is the simplest and most straightforward approach to relieving the stressful effects of anger. Inhale deeply for 4 seconds into your chest and stomach, hold for 2–4 seconds, and then exhale for 4 seconds. Your pulse rate will slow down as a result, and you’ll have some time to gather your thoughts.

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Trigger 2 – Feeling frustrated or powerless

Regardless of a father’s upbringing, those who believe they can control their own destiny—tend to be happier, healthier, and more effective. Even the most difficult situations can be made tolerable if we believe we have some control over the outcome. While minor tensions can become overwhelming if we believe we have no control over the issue at all. Things as simple as the kids not tidying their rooms or indeed, even letting their dad into their room can be incredibly frustrating and can leave a father feeling as though he has no control, even in his own home.

“Powerlessness is inherently threatening, and it prompts a strong desire to reduce or eliminate that feeling,” says Eric Anicich, an assistant professor of management and organisation at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business.

Tip to manage feelings of frustration or powerlessness – reconsider our approach to the problem

The first thing to do is recognise our own biases in the way we appraise our circumstances. Humans are usually quite bad at anticipating their future emotions and feelings. Positive life experiences, like winning the lottery, cause us to overestimate how happy we will feel and how long that feeling will last. Conversely, we find it difficult to envision how we will get past a threat or disappointment, such as our daughter going out to a nightclub for the first time.   Negative experiences don’t usually last as long or have the same intensity as people expect. By keeping that in mind the initial sensation of pessimism we frequently experience upon hearing bad news can be lessened by just reminding ourselves of that truth.

Practically speaking, we can regain control of the situation by finding smaller ways to help with the situation. Setting your own schedules and making the most of your space may help you restore some sense of autonomy if you have been forced to work from home, for example.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

Theodore Roosevelt.

Trigger 3 – Feeling a lack of respect

The feeling of being disrespected can be something that is quite triggering for many dad’s and can often make them feel quite angry. This could indeed be the reason why you ask yourself why am I an angry dad. In fact, most people have very little tolerance for being disrespected and those who consistently feel as though others have little or no respect for them often suffer with poor self-esteem and have a poor self image.

If you feel this way, it could be worth asking yourself “what does it mean to be disrespected”? You’ll probably find that your answer is different for example, to the dad sitting next to you. What you feel is disrespectful, may not feel disrespectful to someone else. For example, you may feel that it’s disrespectful of your son not to thank you for buying him an ice cream but another dad might be fine with it. That other dad may feel it’s disrespectful for their daughter to go to bed without saying “good night” but it might not bother you at all.

Being disrespected is a subjective feeling and will differ from person to person, from dad to dad. As it’s a personal feeling and differs depending on your own values, there’s a possibility that it’s the way you think that is causing the feelings of disrespect, rather than someone, a child perhaps or a partner, being disrespectful. If you think about it, what motivation does someone have to disrespect you personally? Would one of your children, for example, really set out to hurt you? Are they even old enough to be capable of doing that to you? Disrespect can often be born out of anger, fear or frustration or all of those emotions.

Tip to manage feeling a lack of respect

If you find yourself immediately feeling disrespected when someone doesn’t behave as you’d expect them to, you may be assuming the worst and jumping to conclusions. Challenge yourself to think of why a person may have behaved the way they did. For example, if someone pulled out on you in traffic, are they really being disrespectful to you personally or could it be that they’re late for work? Could they be preoccupied with some bad news about an elderly relative and didn’t realise they hadn’t considered you? Below are some things you can ask yourself when you are feeling disrespected that will make you feel better and help you with wondering why you’re an angry dad.

  • Will whatever it is that has made me feel disrespected matter to me in 12 months or even a few day’s?
  • Am I responding appropriately? Or am I responding with anger and frustration. Should I try addressing the issue calmly and assertively?
  • Am I communicating my expectations clearly? Ensure that your children understand your expectations for respect and behaviour.

Trigger 4 – Lack of sleep

A lack of sleep can significantly contribute to feelings of being disrespected by your children. Sleep deprivation often leads to irritability and a shorter fuse. This can make even minor misbehaviors or disagreements with your children escalate into major sources of frustration and perceived disrespect.

Exhaustion also diminishes your ability to empathise with your children’s needs and emotions. This may cause you to interpret their actions as intentional disobedience or disrespect when they may simply be expressing their own needs or frustrations.

Furthermore, sleep-deprived dad’s may struggle to make rational decisions and react impulsively to perceived challenges. This can lead to misinterpretations of your children’s behaviour and heightened feelings of being disrespected. This emotional vulnerability means that your children’s actions, even if not intended to be disrespectful, can feel hurtful or offensive, further intensifying these feelings.

Tip to manage a lack of sleep

To address the negative impact of sleep deprivation on your perception of respect from your children, consider implementing these strategies:

  1. Prioritize Sleep: Make sleep a priority by establishing a regular sleep schedule. Ensure you get enough hours of quality rest to enhance your emotional stability and patience.
  2. Share Responsibilities: Enlist the help of your partner or support network to share nighttime parenting duties. This allows for breaks and uninterrupted sleep, reducing sleep-related irritability.
  3. Mindfulness and Relaxation: Practice mindfulness techniques or relaxation exercises to manage stress and enhance your emotional resilience. Breathing exercises and meditation can help you stay calm in challenging parenting situations.
  4. Communication: Openly communicate with your children about your need for sleep. Explain that when you’re well-rested, you can be a more patient and understanding parent.
  5. Seek Professional Help: If sleep deprivation persists and significantly affects your ability to parent effectively, consult a healthcare professional. They can assess and address any underlying sleep disorders or recommend strategies to improve your sleep quality.

By prioritising sleep and adopting effective coping mechanisms, you can better manage feelings of disrespect from your children that may arise due to sleep-related irritability and stress. Ultimately, fostering a well-rested and emotionally stable environment benefits both you and your family.

Trigger 5 – Communication issues

Communication problems can make you an angry dad by creating frustration and misunderstanding. When parents and children struggle to express their needs, emotions, or expectations effectively, it often leads to conflicts, misinterpretations, and heightened anger. Inadequate communication can make a dad feel unheard or disrespected, triggering anger in response to perceived disrespect or disobedience.

Tip to manage communication issues

To address communication issues and mitigate anger, active listening is essential. Encourage open dialogue with your children, offering them a safe space to express themselves without fear of judgment. Teach them effective communication skills and actively listen to their concerns.

Model respectful communication, and when conflicts arise, seek resolution through calm discussions, empathy, and compromise. A therapist like myself can help you develop valuable tools for improving communication and reducing anger within the family dynamic.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”

Aristotle

In conclusion, understanding the factors that contribute to being an angry dad is the first step in becoming a more patient and understanding parent. From the pressures of life to miscommunications and unresolved personal issues, anger can easily find its way into our interactions with our children. However, it’s important to remember that anger doesn’t have to be the default response.

In this blog post, we’ve explored five solutions to address and manage anger as a parent:

  1. Prioritizing self-care and managing stress to maintain emotional balance.
  2. Setting realistic expectations for yourself and your children.
  3. Improving communication through active listening and empathy.
  4. Seeking professional help when unresolved personal issues contribute to anger.
  5. Modeling healthy emotional expression and conflict resolution for your children.

By implementing these solutions, you can create a more harmonious and nurturing environment for your family. This will foster a deeper connection with your children and reduce anger’s impact on your role as a dad. Remember, parenting is a journey of growth. With the right tools and mindset, you can navigate it with patience, empathy, and love.

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What Are Anger Management Issues? Everything You Need To Know

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On August 30, 2022

In Anger management

What are anger management issues?

It’s normal to feel angry from time to time. Anger is a human emotion that helps us to cope with difficult situations and can be motivating in some cases. But when anger is out of control, it can lead to negative consequences. But what are anger management issues?

‘Anger issues’ is one of the most common problems clients come to me wanting help with, in fact, it is probably the most common.  A report on anger; ‘Boiling Point’ produced by the Mental Health Foundation (MHF) back in 2008, found that (of the 2000 people surveyed):

  • 32% of people say they have a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger.
  • 12% have trouble controlling their own anger.
  • 28% worry about how angry they sometimes feel.
  • 1 in 5 people have ended a relationship or a friendship because of how they behaved when they were angry.
  • 64% agree that people are getting angrier.

If you’re struggling to manage your anger, here are 7 tips that may help you control your anger:

1. Understand your triggers.

Triggers are the external and internal stimuli that cues an individual to do something such as take drugs or get angry, for example. Common triggers include people, places, things, and emotions. A trigger is anything that sets off a stress response in your body. When trying to manage your anger, it is important to be aware of your triggers and have a plan for how to deal with them.

And there are two types of triggers:

External triggers are people, places, things, and events that cue you to get angry, for example.

Internal triggers are thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that cue you to struggle to maintain control of your anger.

Winston Churchill?

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” — Winston S. Churchill

External triggers are usually easier to avoid than internal triggers. However, both types of triggers can be effectively managed with the right tools and support and can help you with anger management issues.

If you are trying to learn to manage your anger, it is important to be aware of your triggers and have a plan for how to deal with them. Everyone has different triggers, so it’s important to take some time to identify what yours are. Once you know what your triggers are, you can start to find ways to avoid or manage them.

There are a few different ways to identify your anger triggers. One way is to keep an anger diary. For a week or two, write down every time you feel angry. Include what was happening at the time, how you felt physically and emotionally, and what you did to manage the anger. After a few weeks, you should start to see patterns emerge and gain a better understanding of your anger management issues. You can discuss your findings about your anger with a counsellor too.

Another way to identify your triggers is to pay attention to your body. When you feel yourself starting to get angry, take a few minutes to notice what you’re feeling. You’ll probably find you’ll be experiencing some of these sensations:

  • Knots in your stomach
  • Clenching your fists or jaw
  • Feeling clammy or flushed
  • Breathing faster
  • Headaches
  • Pacing or walking quicker
  • “Seeing red”
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Heart beating fast or pounding
  • Tensing your shoulders

2. Communicate assertively, not aggressively.

When communicating with others, it is important to be assertive, not aggressive. Assertiveness means being clear and direct in your communication, without being rude or confrontational, or getting angry. It is the ability to express your ideas and needs in a way that is respectful of others.

Aggressive communication, on the other hand, is characterised by intimidation, put-downs, and threats. It is important to avoid aggressive communication, as it is likely to escalate the situation and lead to conflict.

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If you find yourself in a situation where you need to communicate assertively, remember to:

  • Be clear and concise in your communication
  • Listen to the other person’s point of view
  • Respect the other person’s boundaries
  • Avoid insulting or demeaning the other person
  • Speak calmly and confidently

3. Use “I” statements to help with anger management issues.

Beginning a phrase with “I” enables us to discuss tough emotions, explain how the issue is impacting you and avoids placing blame on others and getting angry with them. It makes us accountable for our own thoughts and emotions. This tends to be perceived by others as less antagonistic, allowing for further discussion and the chance of a solution. For example, saying “I feel angry” is less confrontational and likely to elicit a more positive response than “You make me angry”.

In the end, I statements can present a problem as something that needs to be discussed and resolved with your partner, for example, rather than as a criticism of them or a personal assault.

It takes time, effort, and repetition to effectively model a new communication style. Try the following practice exercise to help you develop new habits around how you communicate with others if you find it difficult to remember to use “I” statements in real-time when you’re in the middle of a disagreement or heated discussion:

Talk for three to five minutes about a subject you truly enjoy, beginning each phrase with an “I” declaration. You can try this out in front of the mirror or with a friend, partner, or member of your family.

what are anger management issues

“Goal setting is the secret to a compelling future.” — Tony Robbins

4. Be aware of your body language.

Did you know that before you verbally express your anger, your body language frequently does the same? It’s as much what you say as what you do which may make people believe you have anger management issues

You may already be aware of this, but many people frequently fail to do so. For this reason, it is crucial to understand non-verbal communication and how it might impact your relationships.

How often have you cut someone off in conversation because they were making you angry?

Numerous times, I’m sure, as this is a typical example of nonverbal communication.

Other non-verbal forms of communication include:

  • The duration of your eye contact with someone
  • Your actions
  • The way you stand or sit
  • How close you stand next to someone
  • The loudness of your voice.

Have you ever been accused of giving someone conflicting signals?

When this happens, your words and actions may not always seem to add up.

The person on the other end feels confused and uncertain about your feelings as a result. Additionally, since you never mean what you say, this may cause people to lose faith in you.

If you have a tendency to get angry, you might frequently make pointed gestures, raise your voice, and choose to sit alone.

This type of behaviour will simply make others around you feel uncomfortable.

what are anger management issues

“He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.” — Confucius

It would be better if you first understood how to improve your actions in order to lessen your non-verbal communication. To do this, practice speaking in a quieter voice, move closer to your companion and maintain eye contact.

Try not to wave your arms around or use your hands to communicate while you learn to manage your movements. Many people engage in this without even being aware of it.

Consider practising in front of a mirror. This will help you to see how you look when you’re angry. Flailing your arms, for example, may come across as confrontational, and being aware of it will help you to stop doing it.

With a little practise, each of these things can be worked on. Once you get this under control, you won’t always come across as being angry.

You might even notice that your own level of anger decreases. Amazingly, just knowing that others view you in this way can make you calmer!

Remember that you can express your anger with your body language as well as words. In the end, working on your body language will make you feel less inclined to express your rage out loud.

5. Take a timeout.

Most people are unaware of when and how to exit a heated discussion without adding insult to injury.

Instead, they prolong the conflict, which increases the risk of verbal or physical violence and both parties getting angrier and angrier. This often results in name-calling, arguing and excessive blame.

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You can keep yourself and your loved ones safe when you know when and how to leave a situation.

It is known as a time-out.

The majority of us have used it with our children, but adults also benefit greatly from it! It gives you a justification to leave the situation so you may calm down.

People can be kept safe by timeouts. Leaving the situation by itself won’t make a difference; it’s how you leave that counts. The steps for a successful time-out are listed below.

How to Take a Timeout
Know when you are starting to feel angry. Rapid heartbeat, sweating, feeling tense, irritated, or confused are a few signs that you’re getting angry, as are thinking negatively and placing blame on others.

Keep an eye out for your triggers. Make a list of the circumstances that make you angry. Common triggers include feeling unheard or judged. Try to be objective in this situation.

To deal with the upset, make a plan. Determine what you need. Does phoning a friend or going for a walk help? Would writing in a notebook be more relaxing than listening to music?

The most efficient way to use the time-out is to separate yourself. The argument will probably continue if you stay in the same room as the other person.

what are anger management issues?

“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” — Henry Ford

Before utilising the time-out, go over it with your partner. Talk about how you’ll manage the time-out. For example, you could say something like “I’ll go for a walk if I start to feel angry. I’ll be back in a half-hour.” If trust has been betrayed, your partner can may act defensive. Avoid being defensive too. Validate their viewpoint instead. Even if you don’t agree, it is very effective to demonstrate that you understand why they’re angry or upset.

Plan out your break. Identify a safe location and take no more than 20 to 30 minutes (to prevent it from turning into leisure time). If you can, go out of the house to stop the argument from escalating.

Time-outs are an effective approach to vent your feelings and normalise anger so that you don’t lose control and explode.

Even though it’s common to get angry, if you can recognise it early on, you’ll have a better chance of controlling your anger management issues so that you and everyone else around you stay safe.

6. Practice relaxation techniques to combat anger management issues.

Below are a couple of really helpful relaxation techniques that will help you control your anger issues. In order for these strategies to have any chance of having a beneficial impact on your life, you must be dedicated to actually using and practising them. If you simply use them occasionally, you won’t see the benefit of them

Controlled deep breathing for anger issues

When you feel emotionally aroused, your breathing and pulse rate both quicken. By consciously slowing your breathing and/or relaxing your stiff muscles, you can learn to stop these rises. By relaxing in this way, you can keep your emotions under control.

When you are agitated, you may notice that your breathing becomes hurried and shallow. Your anger will only grow if you continue to breathe shallowly, only from your chest. Instead, take steps to slow your breathing down and to unwind your muscles in order to calm down. Give yourself at least 15 minutes to complete this exercise. Less time than this is probably not going to be helpful!

“I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.” – Muhammad Ali

  • Start by taking several calm, deep breaths in succession, making sure to exhale for twice as long as you inhale with each breath.
  • Count slowly to four as you breathe in, and then breathe out slowly as you count to eight.
  • Be mindful of the air filling your lungs while you do this. Breathe deeply and completely through your open lungs.
  • Breath should enter your abdomen, chest, and upper chest right below your shoulders in that order.
  • As your lungs grow, feel your ribs enlarge as well.
  • Pay attention to how your ribs reposition themselves as you totally exhale.
  • If you ever feel dizzy or out of breath, stop the exercise.
What Are Anger Management Issues? Everything You Need To Know

Progressive Muscle Relaxation for dealing with anger

Follow the steps below to help alleviate your anger issues.

  • The stressed muscles should be tensed and tightened slowly before being released. If you experience any pain, be careful to release your clenched muscles right away and stop the exercise.
  • While inhaling, contract a muscle group, your calves, for example, for between 5 and 10 seconds. Then exhale and release the tension in the muscle group. Relax for between 10 and 20 seconds and then do the same for the next muscle group. For example, tense your calves and release them and then move on to your thighs.
  • You can move down your entire body in a few minutes with a little practise. Your ability to relax can occasionally be improved by first tensing and then relaxing your muscles.

You should give yourself a total of 20 to 30 minutes to relax. Throughout this period, maintain very regular, deep breathing. You will soon feel considerably calmer if you tell yourself that you are calming yourself down. Trying to imagine your muscles relaxing can be helpful too.

Relaxation methods like those mentioned above can aid in your relaxation and, as a bonus, aid in your ability to shift your attention away from being angry. Additionally, they allow you time to reflect on the upsetting event, which will enable you to come up with original answers to the issues you are now facing.

7. Speak to a professional about your anger management issues.

Talking therapy and counselling entail discussing your issues with a qualified professional (such a counsellor or psychotherapist, like me) who can assist you in examining the reasons behind your anger and developing coping mechanisms. This can assist you in processing your emotions and enhancing how you react in heated situations.

There are numerous varieties of talking therapies, some of which are especially suited to anger management problems. Here are two ways that I can help you with your anger management issues.

  • Counselling is typically a brief form of therapy where you can discuss a particular problem, such having angry outbursts or struggling to manage anger, and try to understand how you might handle those situations differently.
  • In comparison to counselling, psychotherapy frequently lasts longer and tends to delve deeper into the past. Here, you might put more of an emphasis on self-discovery to better understand why you react in particular ways to situations or how you express your anger. For example, we might look at how your parents expressed anger or managed their anger and if there’s any habits that you’ve developed as a result of a learnt behaviour from them.

Getting assistance if your anger management issue is causing you to act violently or abusively can be life changing for both you, your family and the other people around you. Even though you might be concerned that asking for help might make you look “weak”, it’s frequently the crucial first step in changing your behaviour. As an experienced counsellor and psychotherapist, I can help you with your anger management issues and help give you back the control in your life. Contact me today for more information and to book an appointment.

Need help with anger?

If you would like to talk to someone confidentially about managing anger, then I can help.

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the-incredible-hulk-looking-angry

How to control your anger (and not lose control)

By

On May 3, 2020

In Anger management

Introduction

I decided to write a blog post about how to control anger because ‘anger management’ is one of the most common problems clients come to me wanting help with, in fact, it is probably the most common. When I began researching the post I came across a report on anger; ‘Boiling Point’ produced by the Mental Health Foundation (MHF) back in 2008, which found that (of the 2000 people surveyed):

  • 32% of people say they have a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger.
  • 12% have trouble controlling their own anger.
  • 28% worry about how angry they sometimes feel.
  • 1 in 5 people have ended a relationship or a friendship because of how they behaved when they were angry.

anger management’ is one of the most common problems clients come to me wanting help with…

I was shocked to learn that the statistics were so high and there were so many people who’s lives were affected by their anger. So, below is a guide explaining how to control your anger and I’ll be sharing some of the ways I have helped many clients handle their own anger problems.

In this post I will explain:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
― Buddha

What is anger and why does it matter?

Anger is a natural emotion, that is part of our survival instinct. When we feel threatened, a part of the brain called ‘the Amygdala’, prepares the body for action and we get ready to fight what is trying to harm us. Without this early warning system, we probably wouldn’t be here in the 21st century, with the human race being extinct as a result of being eaten by bigger, stronger, quicker predators, millions of years ago!

“The best fighter is never angry.”

lAO tZU

While anger can keep us safe, it simply isn’t acceptable to treat everyone as though they are going to kill you! Like all our emotions, we have to learn to control our anger. The difference with anger, unlike our other emotions, is that anger makes other people around us feel threatened, frightened, resentful and indeed, angry themselves, so it important for us to control our anger if we are going to maintain the relationships in our lives.

What makes you angry?

Whether someone has told you, “you need to control your anger more” or “you get wound up easily” or you’ve noticed that you feel angry or frustrated yourself, the first thing you need to do is to establish what makes you angry.

Everyone is different so write a list of things that make you angry. This could include things people say to you like being told you’re wrong or maybe when people ignore you, you get angry. You might find that the drive to work makes you angry, or perhaps its a person, your partner, or maybe your boss.

Getting it down on paper will help you focus on the things that make you angry and give you a place to start tackling the problem.

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Why does it make you angry?

Now you have an idea of some of the things that make you angry, you need to spend some time on why they make you angry. The reasons you feel angry are going to be personal to you and it might be difficult to admit to yourself why they make you angry, so take your time. Here are some steps to follow to help you work out why things make you angry:

Step 1

Find a time and place you won’t be disturbed. No mobile phones, no televisions, and nothing that is going to distract you, including other people in the house and noises outside.

You might have to wait until the kids are at school and the other half is at work but it’s important that there are as few distractions as possible.

Clearly, during the Coronavirus outbreak, getting some quiet is much harder than usual and indeed, this might be something that is making you angry in itself so what’s important here is that you find somewhere where you can think clearly. If needs must, you could do this sat on the loo, perhaps with some peaceful music playing through some earphones to block out noisy distractions.

Clearly, during the Coronavirus outbreak, getting some quiet is much harder than usual and indeed, this might be something that is making you angry in itself so what’s important here is that you find somewhere where you can think clearly.

If needs must, you could do this sat on the loo, perhaps with some peaceful music playing through some earphones to block out noisy distractions.

mobile-and-earphones-for-helping-to-reduce-anger

Step 2

Sit comfortably, close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Helpful tip:

Breathing in the smell of a cup of coffee can help.

Step 3

Relax your body and let go of any tension.

Step 4

As you begin to relax, you’ll be giving your mind the chance to present what’s troubling you. It might be something on your list or it could be something else. Let the thought’s enter and try to spend 5 to 10 minutes on what come’s to mind.

It’ll take practice to stay with your thoughts so don’t worry if you have trouble focusing, it will come.

Don’t try to force the thoughts to come back if you lose track, this will only frustrate you even further. If you want to carry on, come back to focusing on your breathing and give the thoughts the chance to come again.

work-harder-to-control-your-anger

It’ll take practice to stay with your thoughts so don’t worry if you have trouble focusing, it will come. Don’t try to force the thoughts to come back if you lose track, this will only frustrate you even further. If you want to carry on, come back to focusing on your breathing and give the thoughts the chance to come again.

“Tomorrow’s victory is today’s practice.”

Chris Bradford, The Way of the Warrior

It’s important to point out you might not like what comes to mind and you may not agree with them but try to accept them and be open to exploring what comes to mind. For example, you might have a thought that say’s something like “you’re angry because you’re jealous”. Rather than pushing the thought away and dismiss it, try to accept it for what it is, a thought and try to explore it. “Am I jealous”? “What exactly am I jealous of”? Etc.

Step 5

Write down anything that feels relevant. You will hopefully have gained some insight into what it is that is making you angry and it’s useful to record it.

Staying on top of your anger

One you’ve begun to work out what makes you angry and how it makes you angry, it’s important that you stay on top of your anger. Practice steps 1 to 5 as often as you can, everyday if it is possible.

You can use this technique to work on something making you angry in the present such as an argument with your partner. You can also use this technique to work on something that’s been troubling you longer term such as anger towards a relative who has passed away, for example.

What’s important is that you learn to listen to your mind and trust your feelings.

Conclusion

Today we’ve learnt how to recognise the things that make us angry, why they make us angry and how we can control our anger and stay on top of it. I hope this helps you and please feel free to look at some of my other blog posts.

Need help with anger?

If you would like to talk to some, confidentially about anger management, then I can help.

Help is here

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Camborne TR14 8GS

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Friday: 09:00–17:00

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Tel: 01209 699781
Mob: 07851512049

Email kieran.mountney@hisownman.com

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