Confidence (and why men don’t find it at the gym)

Why you feel that way.

When we say that out loud “nobody will find me attractive”, do we really agree with that statement? Is all you have to offer are your looks? Does your personality count for nothing? And to take that on a step, if you began dating a woman and she said she was only interested in you because you had muscles, how would that make you feel?

It might be a nice thought for a moment as you might never have had anyone attracted to you because of your body before but how comfortable do you think you would be with that person, long term? Would you begin to worry that if you didn’t keep going to the gym, she would leave you? Quite possibly. Which wouldn’t be a good start to the relationship. It would just be giving you a new set of worries. I’m not going to deny that your appearance is a factor when it comes to relationships but it is just that; one factor and it isn’t the single reason you are not in a relationship or feel as though you aren’t “attractive”.

you need to think about why YOU don’t think you’re appealing already

Being concerned with how you look is probably something that has bothered you for quite a long time and there has probably been one or two or maybe several situations in your past which have made you think “I’m not attractive”. Whatever those situations were, they were probably quite painful and unpleasant and that feeling has stayed with you and has become part of what we call your introjected self concept. A collection of stimulus taken from friends, family, peers, environment, media etc and we take this information and it becomes part of us. But underneath all that is the real you; your authentic self concept.

“You learn more from failure than from success. Don’t let it stop you. Failure builds character.” – Unknown

The you that hasn’t heard anyone suggest you aren’t good enough or called you ugly. We take on the opinions, thoughts and even prejudices of others and it becomes part of us. We still have our own unique thoughts and ideas too but there is often tension between how we think we feel about something and how we really, deep down feel about something. For example, could one of the reasons you don’t go to the gym be that you think “people are looking at you”? If people are looking at you, they must be thinking how ridiculous you look, right? But how do we KNOW that? We don’t! Could it be possible that even those who you consider to be physically fit and athletic have their own insecurities too and worry what everybody else is thinking? Could it be that they are there in the first place because they are insecure about their own physical appearance? Going to the gym is a good thing for many more reasons than I’ve listed in this article and it might help you feel better about yourself too. But if you really feel as though you have to improve yourself physically for no other reason than to change your physical appearance, it could be time to talk to some who can help you. I can help you. In the meantime, here’s a really useful exercise (no pun intended) you can try:

5 steps to overcoming a lack of confidence.

1) Write down something about how you’re feeling. For example; “I don’t like the way I look in the mirror”.
2) Write down your actions. Which would be something “I’ve joined the gym”.
3) Write down what made you feel the way you feel. For example; “I heard someone say I was fat.
4) Write down what it was that went through your mind when you heard what was said. For example “I’m not fat”. “That’s horrible, I feel terrible”. “Is that what all the girls think about me”?
5) And finally, this is where we challenge those thoughts: How do I know what ALL girls think?! Even if some did think that I was fat, there’s probably plenty that don’t. If I looked at my diet and the exercise I’m getting and came up with a plan to look after myself better, would that help me feel better about that comment?
6) The idea is that you examine what it is that has made you think/feel negatively about yourself and challenge it. When you break the negative thought down and examine it, it’ll help you see where the thought came from and give you a way to combat it.

“We generate fears while we sit. We overcome them by action.” – Dr. Henry Link

If you feel like you’re not good enough, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like and I know what it takes to accept yourself. I can help. If you’re looking for a counsellor who understands and can put themselves in your shoes and feel how you feel, get in touch.

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